Five ways to beat dating algorithms at their own game

KEY TAKEAWAYS

• Decide what you want before you start swiping. An app can suggest people to meet, but it cannot decide what kind of relationship matters to you.

• Set limits on your time and attention. More profiles and more matches do not necessarily bring you closer to a meaningful connection.

• Treat the app as an introduction, not the whole relationship. If you want to get to know someone, make room for conversation and, when you both feel comfortable, a meeting beyond the app.

You open a dating app intending to spend ten minutes on it. An hour later, you are still swiping. You might have a few new matches, but are you any closer to meeting someone you actually like? Arguably, one of the benefits of dating apps is that they make introductions possible on a scale that would once have been hard to imagine.

They can help people meet outside their usual circles and offer a less daunting way to signal interest. But their design also shapes what we do: profiles arrive one after another, choices take seconds, and there is always the possibility that the next person will be a better match.

In our research, we examined 21 interviews with dating app users alongside public online discussions and French newspaper coverage. We found that people navigate three coexisting, sometimes competing ideas about dating. The first one is the romantic approach to dating where it is important to take time, build trust and look for a connection. The second, the shopping approach, treats dating more like browsing where a person can compare options, filter efficiently and keep their choices open. The third, the systems approach follows the app’s own rhythm: swipe, match, respond to prompts and keep engaging, without necessarily thinking about the long-term goals.

Most people do not fit neatly into just one of these approaches. Someone may hope for a lasting relationship while filtering profiles like a careful shopper. Another may enjoy casual dating but resent feeling pushed to make endless quick decisions. That tension helps explain why using an app can feel both useful and exhausting.

So how can you ‘beat’ a dating algorithm?

Despite years of research dedicated to looking for determinants of online dating success, there is no proven secret combination of swipes, photos or messages that will make a platform deliver the right partner.

Ask yourself instead, how can you stop the app’s rhythm from setting the terms of your romantic life? Here’s how:

• Keep a clear picture of your intentions

Before opening the app, consider whether you want a committed relationship, casual dates or simply to meet people without deciding yet. Any of these is a valid aim. Knowing yours can help you choose whom to talk to and what to say. It can also make it easier to notice when you are following someone else’s expectations because it seems simpler than explaining your own. When a conversation starts to matter to you, share what you are looking for and ask what the other person wants, too. You need not settle everything immediately, but you should not have to guess indefinitely.

• Choose when to stop browsing

One participant in our study, Rose, imposed a swiping ban on herself so she could focus on a few people she was genuinely interested in. Her choice did not reveal a flaw in the app’s code. It changed how she used the app. If you find yourself collecting matches without talking to them, try pausing new searches long enough to give existing conversations your attention.

• Use filters and profiles as tools, not verdicts

Some people in our study carefully shaped their profiles, used several apps or filtered matches to save time. These tactics can be useful, particularly when they reflect what you genuinely value. But a profile offers only a partial view of a person. A match is a reason to begin a conversation, not evidence that a relationship will work. Critically, a lack of matches is not a measure of your worth. Research shows that low match rates on dating apps may lead to negative mental health outcomes because the apps create a false equivalence between algorithmic compatibility and personal worth.

• Take promising connections beyond the swipe cycle

Participants seeking closeness often wanted more than an exchange of quick reactions. Some moved conversations off the app or made plans to meet, rather than continuing to browse indefinitely. You can do this at a pace that feels comfortable to both people. The point is to give a connection a chance to develop in a setting where the next profile is not constantly competing for attention.

The importance of psychological sovereignty

Finally, give yourself permission to leave.

One participant in our study, Alan, deleted an app when dating began to feel like a game, though he sometimes returned later. Taking a break need not mean giving up on meeting someone. It can be a way to check whether the app is still helping you pursue what you want. We call this reclaiming psychological sovereignty. Put plainly, it means keeping hold of your ability to decide what matters to you, how much attention you give the app and when you have had enough. You cannot control who appears on your screen or how the platform ranks profiles, but you can decide what you do next.

Dating apps can open doors, but it is important to remember that you are the one who is in control. You get to choose whether to walk through this door, keep looking, or put your phone away, and no algorithm can make this decision for you.

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