Hard Choices: Should You Take Up Running Now That Gallerists Are Doing It?

With a world in crisis and an art market spinning out of control, ace art-world consultants Chen & Lampert deliver a quiz full of hard choices for Art in America readers from far and wide.

These days every art dealer from Tribeca to Basel is clocking sub-7-minute miles, posting Strava maps that resemble Agnes Martin grids, and declaring running to be their “new meditation.” Is this an actual health regime or just another art world performance piece? Take this quiz to help decide if you should lace up or sidestep this latest trend.

1. What’s your main reason for considering running?

a) Alignment of body and mind toward a higher consciousness and positive lifestyle
b) The need to get faster at ghosting people at openings
c) Preparatory groin injuries to work up to getting blue-balled by artists and collectors

2. How do you feel about early mornings?

a) Best time of the day to still be asleep
b) With cocaine, it’s actually just a sunny part of last night
c) A safe time to emerge from the crypt

3. Your preferred running shoes are …

a) Hoka
b) Brooks
c) Ferragamo wing-tips

4. What’s your running playlist like?

a) Charli XCX
b) Artnet podcasts
c) Yoko Ono screaming bloody murder

5. What’s your biggest concern about running?

a) Shin splints
b) Short shorts
c) Running out of cocktail conversation about yourself

6. Where do you envision yourself after six months of running?

a) Entering a half-marathon with my gallerist buddies
b) Selling my running gear on Poshmark for ketamine funds
c) Having a stroke in the middle of the West Side Highway running path

7. How do you hydrate post-run?

a) Guzzle Gatorade
b) Sip a gin martini
c) Chug the blood and/or urine of a shredded young art handler

8. What’s your take on the “runner’s high”?

a) Equal to the euphoric feeling of selling art
b) Provides a sense of achievement and agency that is rare in daily life
c) Less potent than an eight ball with a Celsius chaser

9. What picture will you post on social media after a run?

a) A Rocky Balboa victory pose at the top of the Whitney Museum steps
b) A close-up of my sweat droplets with the caption “mixed media”
c) A PDF of available works for Basel

10. How will you celebrate completing your first 10K?

a) Quit the art world to become a full-time ultramarathoner
b) A six-month hospital stay to recover from the debilitating pain of being a lifelong non-jock
c) Issue a statement about your accomplishment through the gallery PR consultants

SCORES:

10–16: Make your assistant run using your app and claim their numbers as your daily activity. Blame your weight gain on having to dine frequently with Italian collectors who are killing your workout.

17–23: End every run at Burger King, where you devour a Texas Double Whopper on Instagram Live. Defiantly show the art world that you are willing to follow every trend—but that you’ll have to do it your way.

24–30: Approach running with the same tenacity that you do gallery business. Stock up on HGH, performance enhancers, young-blood plasma, and genetic boosters so that you can dominate the field.