How to set healthy boundaries

Setting our boundaries can sometimes be tough. Maybe you’re living with someone who’s always in your space. Or you’ve got that friend who feels a little too comfortable trauma-dumping on you. Maybe you feel your spouse isn’t respecting your choices.

Whatever the reason, telling others how you feel isn’t always easy. And it can be difficult to figure out where to draw your lines and how to communicate them to others.

There’s also a lot of misunderstanding about what boundaries are and what they aren’t. The prevalence of “therapy-speak” can make figuring that out even harder.

Setting boundaries can often seem complicated and feel uncomfortable. That’s because it can take a lot of courage to stick up for yourself. It also takes a lot of emotional regulation and self-awareness.

However, setting boundaries doesn’t have to be a daunting prospect. Taking time to figure out how to communicate them effectively can lead to healthier relationships with the people in your life.

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Setting healthy boundaries

Think of boundaries as promises you make to yourself about how you will respond to others when their actions or words conflict with your self-worth, communication style and relationship expectations. Things that influence our beliefs towards boundaries can include our cultural, religious and political identities.

Boundaries are about what you do when something triggers an emotional response from you, and how you communicate to others what you are feeling. Boundaries are not about telling others what to do or how to feel.

People in different places approach them in different ways. American authors like Brené Brown see boundaries as a way of loving ourselves by saying no, even if that means we let someone else down.

Looking at cultures around the world can also help us learn more about the intricate relationship between boundaries, communication style and relationship expectations. For example, in Iran the term gheirat refers to a moral-emotional experience. It is a concept referring to an experience when there is a violation involving people, such as romantic partners, family dynamics and politics.

A healthy boundary can be invitational, meaning you are inviting others to participate in the problem-solving process. In relationships we have to balance our feelings, their feelings and what is needed for the relationship to blossom. This tricky balance means inviting others in, while indicating what is needed for you to safely participate.

For example saying “let’s finish this conversation when neither of us is raising our voices” is a healthy way of setting a boundary compared to “leave me alone right now” or “don’t speak to me like that.”

Telling someone not to speak to you during a hard conversation can sound dismissive of their feelings, especially if they’re feeling unheard. The boundary is not about the conversation ending, it’s about what is needed for the conversation to continue in a respectful way.

Communication is key

Healthy boundaries can be a way to mutually emotionally regulate. For example, saying “it makes me uncomfortable when you tell your friends personal details about our relationship” is offering others two opportunities. The first, awareness of how their actions are making you feel. And second, the opportunity to problem-solve with you.

Most people will respond by explaining why they are doing what they are doing. With that information, you can decide how you want to respond. Maybe they’re choosing to disclose information to their friends because they rely on external processing to help make decisions. Or maybe they’re looking for external validation. You get to choose how to respond now that you have their rationale.

As a therapist, I often tell clients you have options when it comes to setting and maintaining boundaries. The next time you have to set a boundary, think of the following tips.

Do:

• Express how you’re feeling in response to someone’s actions or inaction.

• Identify your priorities and know your limits. Provide an opportunity for repair.

• If someone tells you why they did what they did, remind them it’s important for you they recognize how you’re feeling versus rationalizing their behaviour.

Don’t:

• Tell someone how to act or feel.

• Expect others to know what you need or what you’re thinking.

• Rely on others to uphold your boundaries.

You don’t always owe others your time to communicate and explain what you need. Sometimes, it’s about walking away from a situation that you know isn’t serving you. Based on how you observe people living their life, how they talk about social or political issues, conduct themselves when you express your feelings, you can choose not to give people access to your life.

Sometimes walking away is about preserving your self-worth, especially after you’ve tried communicating and problem solving. This is where boundaries become hard to maintain, because we have to determine whether someone’s actions are enough to protect ourselves and uphold our self worth.

However you choose to set your boundaries, communicating them honestly and calmly is key to getting others to understand and respect them.