Not so terrible, after all – 2-year-olds just want to be independent

A 2-year-old is lying on the floor yelling, with their socks pulled off after spending 15 minutes trying to get them on in the first place.

A caregiver might take a deep breath and think, “Here we go again – another ‘terrible two’ tantrum.”

What is really going on?

Toddlers are developing autonomy and a growing sense of self. They are becoming aware that they are separate from other people and can make their own choices.

As 2-year-olds and other young children develop this understanding of themselves, they may express strong emotions when decisions are made for them, tasks are completed on their behalf, or they are quickly moved from one activity to another. These reactions are often a response to their growing desire for independence and their inexperience calmly communicating their emotions.

What you might call a “temper tantrum” may instead be a young child communicating their emotions in the best way they know how. These expressions of emotion may continue when they are not supported or understood from a different perspective.

As an assistant professor in early childhood education, I have worked alongside young children for more than 25 years. I feel it’s important to recognize that supporting young children, especially 2-year-olds, takes time.

Caring for a toddler can be challenging and requires patience. There are strategies that caregivers and teachers can consider to support young children, with some degree of ease, as they navigate those big emotions and enthusiastic quests for independence.

When adults can help establish routines and listen to what young children are trying to actually communicate, it becomes easier to understand that a toddler screaming and thrashing on the floor is actually trying to express themselves.

Meeting young children where they are

Children typically begin gaining autonomy around age 2.

When a child reaches this milestone, parents and other caregivers may notice they begin saying “no” more often.

This increase in “no” shows that the child is developing an understanding of themselves as separate from others and is recognizing their ability to make choices.

While you might find it challenging when young children refuse to have their diaper changed or insist on getting dressed themselves, it is also a healthy sign of independence.

Offering choices whenever possible also supports a youngster’s growing independence.

Children could choose between two outfits for the day, for example. Or they could pick between three snack options and make many other simple decisions throughout the day.

Adults could let young children know that it is time to wash their hands, for example, and then ask whether the child would like to wash independently or have help. Because 2-year-olds are eager to assert their independence, they will often choose to do it themselves. However, if they choose help, or choose not to easily transition at all, it is important to calmly follow through by providing assistance and encourage them through the transition.

This kind of consistent follow-through helps children learn what is expected of them, while still respecting their growing independence.

Sticking to schedules is also helpful in helping young children get through the day and minimizing their emotional roller coasters. When children anticipate that they will get dressed right after they eat breakfast every day, for example, they begin to anticipate the next step and may even complete parts of the routine independently.

When the routine changes and a parent has to leave early for a morning meeting, for example, or a child will be skipping breakfast at home, preparing the child in advance can ease the transition. Talking through the change the night before and offering a reminder the next morning helps the child adjust, even if the change is still challenging.

Letting a child know, “In three minutes it will be time to clean up your toys for your nap,” gives them time to process what is coming next and shift more successfully from one activity to another.

Reaffirming with language they don’t yet have

Toddlers often express their emotions before they have the language to explain how they are feeling.

Helping young children name their emotions and describing a given situation can help them develop the vocabulary to articulate their feelings.

Narrating the situation also can create a shift in perspective for the adult, encouraging them to focus on what the child is communicating rather than simply reacting to the behavior.

After an emotional situation has been resolved, it can be helpful to talk through what happened, discuss strategies for next time and provide opportunities to practice those skills. Children are more able to process and retain new information when they are calmer.

Remaining supportive, offering choices that are appropriate for both the adult and the child, and talking through emotions and how they can be expressed in the future create an environment that supports a 2-year-old’s growing independence.

These strategies also encourage caregivers to approach challenging moments with a growth mindset, viewing behaviors as opportunities to teach and support rather than simply problems to correct.

Are the socks really necessary? Maybe they are, or maybe they are not. An independent 2-year-old benefits from opportunities to make simple choices and practice doing things on their own, as do 1-year-olds and older children. When possible, give them that opportunity.